wow i just was struggling so hard to get through a post. i just deleted it because it had no structure and i had no idea WHERE i was going with it. I was commenting about jock jams and how itunes had just played the electric slide.

anyway lets not get tooo detailed about that because i will be forced to delete this as well.

On the positive side of things i have great news. i am going to be giving in my 2 weeks notice on the 22nd of may. i can finally tell this place to fuck off and go find someone else to use as an “escape goat” (what show was that just on…..).  why the 22nd of may you ask? well its because i will be starting another job on the 8th of June at a doctors office. It is not something i really want to be doing with the rest of my life but its basically guarenteed work for a year and insurance and slightly better pay which are all things that my job now will not be able to give me, or even try to promise me. Its kinda sad because i really wanted to give my job a solid year before leaving but i really cant wait to leave this fucking place. they drive me crazy. when i try to fix a broken system that they started, they ask me why it didnt start sooner. when i try to organize something so i can work with it better, they ask me why im not doing anything productive. When they cut my hours to  5 hour shifts two or three times a week and i say fuck you and take my full lunch still, people complain. Bitch dont even start, look at the people around you. so and so is getting a hair cut comie back, getting coffee, come back, get lunch, come back, go to the gym, come back. When people take 2 hour lunches and push all of their work on me i am bitter yes but i would not actually say anything to a superior. i would not go out of my way to make your life hell but people seem to thrive on it. thankfully i now have a goal to get to. i have a DAY to say im giving in my two weeks notice. i hope in that time theyget rid of b, not because i dont want him to get work from them (he has another job im not a terrible person), but because i want them to be totally fucked with me leaving.

OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THAT A GUY FROM HOME IN IN JAIL FOR HIS THIRD FUCKING DWI. why the FUCK do people act so moronically. fucking morons. this was not his first, not his second but his THIRD DWI. how do parernts let their children live after the first one? hes the only child.

so charles’ funeral was fun and exciting for a few minor reasons. i finally got to see my cousin who ive not seen in AGES. ive also now met her fiance who is a great guy. his bday is 2 days before mine so they might come down to the city for that which would be cool. i got to meet one of my baby cousins who is like 7 months and absolutely adorable. saw one of my favorite people in my family bc hes so fucking adorable. hes 70+, about 5ft, really really pale. he had childhood schizophrenia so he cant cope on his own but my god hes adorable. he told mom that he gets upset that noone says goodbye to him so r and i went over to say hi. he was so excited and started talking about his meal that he got(which was the same thing i got) and he was really happy to tell us how much he liked the mashed potatoes and whatnot. when z first met him, J was sitting in a chair that his feet didnt reach the floor so they were just swinging haha. i love it. but they live at the end of the subway line so i am going to have to eventually visit them….. oof

now other than that the rest was kind of funeralish. stood around talking to random family/family friends. make random stupid conversation about what i am doing and pretend that im a lot happier than i actually am. see the pitiful older relative try to vie for everyones attention and get more and more like a child for everytime she is ignored. i felt terrible bc they had a priest come and talk (charles was not a religious man). i thought he was really far to preachy/theatrical with everything he was saying but its because he doesnt know the man how can you eulogize him? remind me to get close to a priest when my life starts to dwindle so my family doesnt have to go through that.

i finally signed up for a phlebotomy course! i was talking to bl and he was like don’t worry girl i got you, there will be a seat waiting, good thing i got all these connects. when they called me back they literally had ONLY one seat left in the next class. so three weeks, monday-thursday 6-9 i will be occupying a class to get a little diploma so i can perform phlebotomy in NY, CT, and NJ. that way i can prob get a job doing that on the weekends/days my present work wont fucking give me to work… watch by the time i finish they will give me 40 hours again. whatevs it will help my resume and my job search, which incidentally is shit since i either need 2 years experience (ive got since last july) or alot more certification/degrees. i need to finish up a year here. god please just let me get a year here!!!!

other than that ive not had anything really happen with me in the last day so I’ll talk about something random. i’ve finished reading Devil in a White City by Erik Larson which is about the Chicago’s world fair in the late 1800’s. It was called the White city in comparison to Chi-towns dark and menacing streets.

Also it was plaster and whitewashed. this fair was epic. in 26 months they constructed this amazing area, with huge buildings with heights that the world had yet to see. it brought many people to tears and brought people back time and time again, even with the exorbitant admission price of 50 cents. brilliant men and women were involved (even Walt Disneys father worked there which people believe helped to shape disney).

The previous world’s fair was in paris. Even today there is a very evident piece of it still surviving: the Effiel Tower. Now when Chicago got word that they could actual host the following fair (over the largest city New York) the lead architects knew that they had to “out effiel effiel.” they thought it wasnt going to be done but there was one man who had an idea, which was shot down multiple times until finally he got his chance. The man’s name was Ferris and he had invented a giant wheel that took passengers well over 200 feet into the air in trolleys that could fit over 30 people each (sadly it was sold as scrap after the fair was completed). It was the largest use of electric energy to date. They used elctric boats, outlined buildings in lights every night, and spotlighted the entire park.

Now since the title is Devil in the White City, you are lead to believe that there is a evil side story. It tells of a man that used the city’s allure to prey on youthful women who moved to chicago alone and very willing to leave their own chaperoned and quiet lifestyles in search of independence and adventure. However they met with Dr. H.H. Holmes (aka Herman Mudgett) who states in his confession years later: “I was born with the devil in me. I could not help the fact that I was a murderer, no more than the poet can help the inspiration to sing.”  At this time Jack the Ripper was loose in London, but instead of discovering dead prostitutes in various areas of the city, his victims’ disappearances went unnoticed or he lead family and police on wild goose chases with planned stories to various other countries.  His charm not only managed to persuade the doe eyed youths he killed but also men held in high regard in society.  He had made a lifestyle as a pharmacist and hotel manager, employing mostly vulnerable women coming from wealthy backgrounds, and when the World fair actual began he turned many men away from his hotel in order to keep the rooms filled with only women.  He constructed a “castle”  which contained various airtight rooms that had gas valves located in his personal quarters, a kiln that could heat to extreme temperatures, and that guests always said smelled of chemicals.  He would kill them passively, usually chloroformed or gassed. He enjoyed the power he had over them. He would then disect them and sell their skeletons to medical centers for learning. It is not known how many people he actual killed which is intriguing. He never fully confessed to everything but he was known to kill at least 3 children, their father and about 7 other women. Some believe the numbers were in hundreds.

anyway i really enjoyed the book a lot and even though i kinda exposed most of it, it is really interesting to read about if you are into historical events. Every quote in the book is actually from a historical document. It is just amazing that in 1893, with terrible soil, fires, colapsing buildings, storms off the lakes, and so many deaths, a city could be brought up and compel people to visit even as banks crumbled around them.

So this month i have a goal: to not drink Sunday through Thursday. this will greatly reduce my alcoholic intake since ive been on just under 6 bottles of wine a week. ive noticed a lackluster amount of energy and ive been feeling like shit even though id be getting about 8 hours of pass out sleep every night. go figure drunk sleep isnt actually good for you.  it really culminated in a 3 days straight run at our fave bar. now these were not three weekend nights. these were tuesday weds and thursday nights i believe. each night RWH and myself were having about 6 shots and 6+ drinks.  obviously the bartenders were getting to know us pretty well. thankfully two of them are awesome (P and B, A is not so cool yet). now on the third night RWH and i looked at eachother and decided that however fun this was it kinda needs to stop. There is way too much empty calory intake and it is not good for us. not only that but its fucking expensive.  seeing as how my hours were cut to 3 days a week i am forced to try to spend less money so i can afford rent. this is however not why RWH sees this but it is a driving force for me  (Just saying, i’d like to pay you for rent sir). so because of this lack of things to do at night ive taken to drinking A LOT of water. its not something i even noticed until i had to piss like a racehorse right as i tried to go to bed. i guess my body needed something to do so it chose that. oh well. anyway. im on day 3 (sunday was day 1). im feeling fine. a little like well what do i do? but i made that into organizing my dresser and ironing some dress shirts. i also am about 85% dont with the main structure of a crocheted hat (Super old lady i KNOOOWWW but i like it).

thats about all for now. ive kind of forgotten about this thing but hopefully i remember to do this more often

So today the united states got their first black president. I watched the inauguration and then his speech and most of the time i had chills. i dont get them often so it was interesting. i was also fearing something rediculous that some hillbilly from middle to southern USA organized to rid us of this new “threat to the white race” or some shit. i was thrilled to know nothing happened that the public knows about. to be very critical i am going to say i did not enjoy the woman’s poem at the end. im sure it might have been a nice poem but i hated the way she spoke it. there were awkward pauses that  didnt seem like deliberate artistry. Miss Franklin sounded ok but certainly not the best which disappointed me. i loved when they showed elderly people on the jumbo screen they all looked shocked then like they were going to cry because they were shown. i thought they should have helped the incredibly aged Bush senior down the stairs, he looked like at any moment his legs would deceive him and give way. dick looked rediculous in his little wheelchair. i have a hard time believing he moves him own things which gives me reason to doubt his injury. im sure its just because he didnt want to stand to his new president. the obama children are very pretty, they look like little dolls up there. hopefully children will be like i dont want to look like some whore they saw on MTV and instead say i want to look like that,with nice aline skirts, stockings, and pea coats. michelle looked like she was giving off light with that color. i wish biden could have worn some sunglasses for his oath giving, he looked rediculous.

so friday was halloween. i had a blast as little red riding hood. im gonna have to start thinking up ideas now for next year. im jealous that i never thought to do things from my childhood shows like Double dare, or legends of the hidden temple. its something to look into. OH we should do GUTS next year. do do do you have it? possibly yes. anyway, so friday was with friends, sat i wandered with Deer in the city, and today i helped dad withthe gutters. i am super productive. i feel bad for dad. he is starting to act his age and is all hurting and whatnot. he needs a better helper.

the election is coming up on tuesday. i however work on tuesday. i feel like this election is huge and since i know my state is already hands down democratic, i know me not partaking in this wont really matter but i want to pull the lever, push the button, punch the ticket so there arent any hanging chads (or however they do it in this town). so hopefully the things are still open by the time i am done with work and back from the 2 hour commute. i need to look into that for sure.

my third topic is about my court date. i know. dont i look like a rebel. no i was speeding in a town that has a boner for 30mph. thankfully i had the excuse that school just ended and he seemed to think i wasnt use to driving a car or something. i also had the unfourtunate timing of a way over expired inspection and an old insurance card (i know the car gods were really on my side for this one). thankfully the guy was fucking awesome and when he came back he told me that he wasnt going to give me a ticket for either the speeding or the insurance card but he had to for the inspection because that isnt safe. needless to say every god imaginable smiled down upon me at that moment. so i have to go to court to show them the ticket of inspection that i had done a week after getting the ticket. i should call and see if i can just bring them the damn thing and get it over with. its been postponed 4 times. whatever i guess.

i need to clean my room. its disgusting to an overwhelming extent. i need to do laundry greatly. CRINGE

The last post was completely sad sap, end of the world sounding. i was rather frustrated at a bunch of things that came out of nowhere about halfway through that.

anyway, i have read Darkly Dreaming Dexter. I liked some of the things/characters that were different in the book however i liked the way that the show twisted the bloodless killer into something different and more involved in Dexter’s life. i have the next two books which will be on my train ride list. They are incredibly quick reads and are much more like beach reads in my opinion. However i like getting things read while on the train and things like this make it go much faster when i cant sleep.

Tonight i think im gonna be going out with my guys. Deer has other plans so i think it will be just me and them which im fine with bc they are pretty awesome. I owe 2 of them some beer since they beered me the other night when i had no cash. so heres to tabs and hopefully not forgetting my card at the bar again!!!

I was told at work that i am the most well rounded girl they have ever met and that because of that i am the perfect girlfriend. She hears me talk about video games and boy things all the time all while being able to keep the girl things too. Also one of the PA’s, after having me say i was 22, was like wow i thought you were older, you can hold a very mature conversation (this is the same lady who has the most bazaar conversations in front of me).

I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be

C’mon whisper what it is you want
You ain’t never had a friend like me

Work today was ridiculous. we spent the first half of the day shit talking people which was HYSTERICAL. it made my life. then i scanned things then had to stop because the stuff wasnt actually complete. i packed up scrubs in rubbermaid bins then distributed the blood pressure machines throughout rooms. other than that i really did nothing. i ate some wendys and bought the Dexter book series. ive read half the first book and its basically the tv show, but awesome because i can remember how the show went and can see his face and hear his voice. still just as good.

other than that my day has been weird. im really happy bc panda is coming home. and Deer has been annoying me as of late. maybe its just me PMSing but she constantly drives me bonkers with little stupid things. who knows. and since i know i am PMSing i know i am just not happy about certain things that have transpired recently. theres something in my mailbox that i just dont know what to do about. all i know is that i dont want to stop yet, but i need to be done for a little while. i just dont know i am very drained. i need to not be at home, i need to not think about things anymore. i just want something new and someplace new. i just realize how much i really hate being stuck here, living this hometown life. no matter how much i try to tell people that this place isnt terrible, it really is. people are dying all over, most of the deadbeats i know are getting into fights, getting DUIs or just being complete losers heading nowhere in life. i just cant handle this place any more.

i sometimes want nothing more than to be sitting on the couch in 325 partaking in a game of halo, taking shots like they are water, and not having a care in the world. knowing that no one is going to be getting stabbed at locations i often visit, knowing that i have a bed and someone to share it, and just feeling like i am not completely alone in just about everything. i need to go take a shower so i can work and be clean tomorrow. Everyone, either read or watch dexter, watch chuck, the office, psych, himym, and ive yet to watch any of the new season of pushing daisies but since i liked it last time it should be on the same track.

how dare you bring all your lj friends into this? you seriously think that telling me through a cut that you still love me will help anything?? you just brought on an avalanche of emotions that i didnt want. i knew the second i clicked on it that i would regret it but i knew i would have to do it at some point. how can you say any of that. that you are in a relationship that you compare her to me, how you miss me how i am your ideal. how can you say that but then not even fight me when i broke up with you months ago. you fucking prick. why do i miss you so much, you should me nothing to me, yet you still can make me feel like shit for an entire day, i will still feel miserable in 10 days and again in 1 month and 17 days.

Warm October nights
You came and cuddled next to me
Our noses brushed so close
I wished it was our souls
Drifting off to sleep
I could hear the little snores you made
watching eyes shut tight
Like doors to something sweeter where you rest

Tear me off a piece of blanket
keep me warm and we can make it
Here’s my heart, I’ll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can’t take it

Light will creep in soon
And I still haven’t slept a wink
I wish the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more

I wanna watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more girl
I wanna watch you

the first night i commuted back home the second night i stayed with my friend and drank the rest of the absolut manderin +orange pinapple juice (which is delicious) then drank beer because a cerrtain someone left a lot in his fridge. like in college, its been left somewhere for more than 2 days and it is anyone’s to take. i only got about 5 hours of sleep giving me a distinct im fucking tired mood all day. when i got home i didnt even sleep until about 1. then i woke up at 1230, when i should have been up at 930 for the stupid fucking phlebotomy thing. i emailed the lady and hopefully i can still be an option. who knows. that really doesnt bode with with the parents im sure. anyway, i was just told that i havent updated in 8 days. looks whos updating now mr bald eagle????

ive been talking to my dear bff, hornet who is getting confused by one of the three musketteers. he brought up how he liked her, and now she reads into everything. i told panda that she was the one to get hurt probably. so i told her that she just has to talk to him and also prep herself for any possible answer coming from him: i want a relationship, i want to just be friends, i dont know what i want, i just want to fuck you. that last one i told her isnt really something i would imagine him doing. either way its kinda gonna be interesting to see how that pans out. 2 of your best friends. then there is the other musketteer,who keeps making comments that i blow off as we’re bff comments. he said we have to pretend to be bfgf to keep this other girl away from him, then that we are gonna get married to have our friend Swan to clear the dance floor with her thriller dance. its just little things like that. i went to a kids house and they started talking about bending a girl out a window and he kept apologizing to me as if ive never heard vile things like that. whatever. theres nothing more than a brotherly love for me.