i just never am comfortable when someone gives me a compliment or tells me that they like me. i just instantly become one of the most awkward human beings ever. unless i am a little drunk. then it depends on where the compliment is coming from. but thats not always the case. thankfully this weekend i feel like i managed to not be awkward. thank GOD bc that would just be silly and annoying amiright? hopefully it will go better than the last date. at least this time i know i can talk to him and i dont really have to go through that awkward hi i am 23, i went here, i graduated with this etc etc. i will eventually get better at that but like ive said before, i date people i know because of that. i am already comfortable with it.

In all seriousness, i am such a private person with that stuff. i’ve never been the one for PDA (i hate seeing other people make out in front of me so i wouldnt want to make someone else feel like that) i’ve really only been all PDA once and i was absolutely MORTIFIED the following day when i wasnt completely wasted. I dont like discussing who i like with people bc i’m too vulnerable feeling and even though i know i wont be, i dont want to be judged in any way.

i like small gestures.

i like private moments tucked away from others.

Last night i had a dream someone held my hand and i had butterflies.

like i am a 7 year old.

who has that kind of dream????

im just a completely bizarre 23 year old.

i’m one of those people who would have dealt fine in the world way back when it was pettycoats and umbrellas in the sun, with men trying to win my affections and holding hands was a scandalous affair. sometimes i just feel like i am part of a dying breed of female, one that doesnt sleep with people on first dates or second dates or even third dates. i am strickly monogamous and completely fine with that. i dont judge people for their own actions, just i dont like feeling that i dont belong because of it.

Tagged: Boys, Dream, Holding Hands, PDA ]]> http://andtothinkthatisawitonmulberrystreet.wordpress.com/2009/07/05/so-i-am-a-7-year-old/feed/ 0 epop http://andtothinkthatisawitonmulberrystreet.wordpress.com/2009/05/29/new-job-new-goal-new-date/ http://andtothinkthatisawitonmulberrystreet.wordpress.com/2009/05/29/new-job-new-goal-new-date/#comments Fri, 29 May 2009 16:36:50 +0000 epop http://andtothinkthatisawitonmulberrystreet.wordpress.com/?p=184 ]]>

I start a new job on the 8th of June. i couldnt be more elated about it. i fucking hate working where i currently work. like my god. K is a lazy shit and pushes all her work on others, which became me since T and B werent there. fuck it whatever. next week i told brian to work 3 days and i will take 2 so i am only working thursday friday (i essentially just gave myself a 7 day weekend). Sat thru tuesday are expected to have gorgeous weather so i plan on roofing it up a few days and get a bit of sun. i dont know but i have a chair to bring upstairs now so i can be comfortable. read some books. but anyway, i am going to be working at a doctors office with 40 hours a week and insurance. IM A BIG GIRL!

In other news, i am going to start saving for a dslr. right now i am looking at the D40 and the D90. thankfully i know people with both of them so i can futz with them both. i’ll prob be leaning toward the D40 since im not really gonna be going all out with cameras. i really just love taking photographs and i hate having to deal with the auto focus on pocket cameras bc they take forever to focus on the things i want them too. anyway that is my next project. i want to learn more about photography. just a little, nothing crazy, but enough. so once i start my next job i will be putting money away for that.

another piece of random. i went to a job fair for my present work (not to recruit new hires but to spread the word that you could be a guinea pig for money). so this guy comes up to the table twice and then S gets up to walk somewhere else and he comes up again and is like i just wanted to tell you that you look good and i would like to hang sometime. i was like wait waah? so i gave him my email bc i didnt want to give my phone number, and he emailed me a few times. i kinda wanna know how old this guy is, he says he went to school already but is going back for another degree. so iiiiiiidk. i think i am gonna do lunch with him on sunday but idk where yet. i should probably look into that……. might as well get a free meal out of the deal.

just because its hilarious i’m writing this here. its not like i use names or anyone really read this who would know, BUT, T might have sucked R’s dick LOL. Thanks to scrawny griz for telling me that and making me giggle.

in other news. im terrible when it comes to attention from guys. i prefer to talk to guys and when i get that easy to talk to repor with them i love just being able to say anything with no real repercussion. For instance, with r, m, and j, i can basically say whatever i want and i know they arent gonna full out judge me or take offense from it. Now take a fake argumentative relationship like i have with RWH. It is also awesome because i’d never take anything legit from that. thats how i like to joke with everyone if i think they can take it. i dont care, fight back with it call me a whore, whatever. anyway. i recently had a similar deal with a guy i had recently met. it was awesome bc i was just being that argumentative friendly. nothing more nothing less. then he told me he liked me. gah. im not really feeling in the mood to have a guy. i dont know why because sometimes i really would love nothing more than to just snuggle in bed (now that the summer is coming however i’d prefer a blanket to not even touch me let alone a guy when im sleeping). anyway. i dont know how to address that since i always hate real legit feeling expression with people i dont really know.

bah humbug.

my birthday is coming up. i dont really know what to expect for it anymore. i have a little event on fb but its not like i think anyone is coming other than people i generally always see. nothing against them. in the slightest. but i dont wanna end up in the same places. and i would kinda like to go out to a place with music to boogie down to (omg im one of those girls sometimes?!?!). who knows whats gonna happen.

this weekend i spent wayyyy too much money. like woah what are you doing erin. 1st there was karens baby present which was 35 bucks. then 40$ for beerlympics, then 11 for a movie i think, then 30 at the scholar, then another 40 after beerlympics. that was in no chronological order. i didnt even factor in the minor things like food in this situation. jeez man jeez. so appearently i dont spend all that money during the week and i just mash it all into the weekends. oh plus st pattys was this week oh god thats another 30 for the bar crawl + tips, then like another 25 at the scholar plus food items. i should just die, i am so noto putting the atm cash in the right category in my financial pages. they dont need to know, its my life!

anyway beerlympics. sat we did that damn thing. first was hypothermia where one person had to keep their hands in a bucket of icewater while the other 5 teammates chugged full cups of beer. RWH was the iceman while the 5 girls of team vag chugged beer. the girl we had to just have around was really slow, i actually managed to do it so i didnt feel terrible about myself. then we had icefalls or something. we had to balence a full cup of ice and water on our heads while drinking half a cup of beer through a straw. only one hand could spot you if your teammates were nice. thankfully we were,  plus none of us even really needed saving!! yayyyyy!!! after that was beerpong. since it was going on a while we had to cut out dizzy bat which is a damn shame… not really so much, im glad i suggested to the guy we should skip that and move to flipcup. needless to say i got pretty nicely toasty. i feel like i should have been more so but it was like 630 and i shouldnt be wasted that early…. i shouldnt right?

then we went to pat’s and met with rc, jc, wr, th, JS, and hsomething. i met S and his lady, then his brother. im glad we met with people just because if i didnt have social interactions i was gonna have to go home and sleep.

it was a solid day of about 12 hours of drinking (second time in a week holla).

oh also saw I love you man. i really enjoyed it. it made me laugh but i dont really remember some of the great little jokes. Rudd was awesome segal was awesome (cept that cardigan according to RWH).

wtf is one of the whores doing hanging all over coyote? and then why is coyote still staring at me when he is huggin up all over the other bitch (that deer got into a fight with saying she is a whore and she just proved it even more in seconds). honestly i liked going out in the other town i went to, eye candy and waht not but my home town is nothing compared to how incredibly unclassy a place can be. it amazes me. i hate being there but i love seeing people that i know and hate and/or love in strange little ways. like d.saurs. said hi to him near the bathroom. he’s got himself a girl but still its funny to see him. then theres coyote of course. bc i know im not making it awkward, i dont care anymore, yea it was fun but whatever. why do you have to have that happening? its really not like i even care but i have this problem that i need to know everything even if i dont need to know it. i dont even tell people usually if i know things, i just want to know. i have a need to be a confidant. its a terrible curse…. i just want to be a fountain of knowledge if the need should arise.

I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be

C’mon whisper what it is you want
You ain’t never had a friend like me

Work today was ridiculous. we spent the first half of the day shit talking people which was HYSTERICAL. it made my life. then i scanned things then had to stop because the stuff wasnt actually complete. i packed up scrubs in rubbermaid bins then distributed the blood pressure machines throughout rooms. other than that i really did nothing. i ate some wendys and bought the Dexter book series. ive read half the first book and its basically the tv show, but awesome because i can remember how the show went and can see his face and hear his voice. still just as good.

other than that my day has been weird. im really happy bc panda is coming home. and Deer has been annoying me as of late. maybe its just me PMSing but she constantly drives me bonkers with little stupid things. who knows. and since i know i am PMSing i know i am just not happy about certain things that have transpired recently. theres something in my mailbox that i just dont know what to do about. all i know is that i dont want to stop yet, but i need to be done for a little while. i just dont know i am very drained. i need to not be at home, i need to not think about things anymore. i just want something new and someplace new. i just realize how much i really hate being stuck here, living this hometown life. no matter how much i try to tell people that this place isnt terrible, it really is. people are dying all over, most of the deadbeats i know are getting into fights, getting DUIs or just being complete losers heading nowhere in life. i just cant handle this place any more.

i sometimes want nothing more than to be sitting on the couch in 325 partaking in a game of halo, taking shots like they are water, and not having a care in the world. knowing that no one is going to be getting stabbed at locations i often visit, knowing that i have a bed and someone to share it, and just feeling like i am not completely alone in just about everything. i need to go take a shower so i can work and be clean tomorrow. Everyone, either read or watch dexter, watch chuck, the office, psych, himym, and ive yet to watch any of the new season of pushing daisies but since i liked it last time it should be on the same track.

the first night i commuted back home the second night i stayed with my friend and drank the rest of the absolut manderin +orange pinapple juice (which is delicious) then drank beer because a cerrtain someone left a lot in his fridge. like in college, its been left somewhere for more than 2 days and it is anyone’s to take. i only got about 5 hours of sleep giving me a distinct im fucking tired mood all day. when i got home i didnt even sleep until about 1. then i woke up at 1230, when i should have been up at 930 for the stupid fucking phlebotomy thing. i emailed the lady and hopefully i can still be an option. who knows. that really doesnt bode with with the parents im sure. anyway, i was just told that i havent updated in 8 days. looks whos updating now mr bald eagle????

ive been talking to my dear bff, hornet who is getting confused by one of the three musketteers. he brought up how he liked her, and now she reads into everything. i told panda that she was the one to get hurt probably. so i told her that she just has to talk to him and also prep herself for any possible answer coming from him: i want a relationship, i want to just be friends, i dont know what i want, i just want to fuck you. that last one i told her isnt really something i would imagine him doing. either way its kinda gonna be interesting to see how that pans out. 2 of your best friends. then there is the other musketteer,who keeps making comments that i blow off as we’re bff comments. he said we have to pretend to be bfgf to keep this other girl away from him, then that we are gonna get married to have our friend Swan to clear the dance floor with her thriller dance. its just little things like that. i went to a kids house and they started talking about bending a girl out a window and he kept apologizing to me as if ive never heard vile things like that. whatever. theres nothing more than a brotherly love for me.

so ive recently noticed that my ex boyfriend’s facebook says that he is in a relationship. ive not noticed his away messages and profile changing until last night. it went in this order of brutal hits last night. profile: a fresh start… all you need is the sunshine in the night (or some such shit) then his fb status popped up because of digsby: which said blah blah blah & I’m crazy about you! =). then he puts up an actual away message saying something along the lines of how did i get so lucky.

now my immediate thought is that he won (even though he is the villain of it all). he managed to move on first. then i thought. no wait, he has a girlfriend already? did he really need to be in a relationship so badly that he jumped on the first vagina that gave him attention? we were eachother’s first big relationship. 3.5 years of my four college years and 3.5 of his looking to be 7 college years (yea he cant get shit done). its not like i wasnt expecting him to go around with other people, but a relationship so fast? my amazing fb skills havent been able to really know who she is. and yes ive got mad skillz homez.

Congrats fuck face. Thank you for getting over me so fast. it really makes me realize how much you need someone to be your girlfriend, but i am accepting of finding myself before moving on. seeing as how i was never given the opportunity to really yell at you, i want to do it now, however much it would hurt. i want to yell at you. i want to scream. i want to be like ted when robin brought home gai’el (gaile?? no its gai’el) fron argentina. i want to knock on his door and yell, but much less politely than he did and not ending as nicely.

so i went out with panda and b.bear and always he ruined the night. he got into a huge fight with a bouncer when i had calmed him and got him about 20 feet away the bouncer then decided to be a total asshole and say the following “Whos the pussy now? you have a girl holding you back” i turned and looked at the guy and was like are you serious? seriously?? panda and i left him walked through the ghetto, ate pizza and got back to her place. it took us an hour. and we powerwalked. i dont think he remembers the night. but seriously, he made me want to vomit. he was disgusting. completely just disgusting. he keeps calling me but i refuse to pick up. there is nothing he can say to me. im starting to think that its me.

Deer and i went out to eat and over margaritas and sangrias we discussed how much of an asshole he is and how we wish she would just break it off with him. yes he’s insane and your life would be a little like hell but is the 5 minutes of kindness when noone else is around really worth it? no, personally its not. he knows not to fuck with me. and he wont ever put his hands on me if i am holding him back but honestly he got really physical with panda and she didnt do anything about it. i nearly wanted to cry bc i thought he was gonna push her down. he’s got a problem.

in other words. i went out drinking on a sunday. awesome stuff. then i saw coyote. how did he manage to make it awkward? Deer said it was terrible how uneasy we were around each other. so i decided to be the bigger person and just talk to him. i was like why is this awkward? can we work on it not being awkward? kthnx. then i climed into a car with 3 boys and went to a kids house. i was really proud of myself. i did it by myself i didnt feel like i needed one of my girls there and i was comfortable. strannnnnge. im really trying to be more open and talkative with people. i need to work on my people skills.

so last night i went out in the city for the moose’s birthday.  first went to an apartment bought a bottle of absolut and started drinking aroud 530. we went to one place played some pong with a guy that looked like the green goblin, traded quotes with ted mosby, and thennnn this: someone showed me a text message which said “Where are you guys, im going to be in the city soon” it was from babboon. great. so i immediately decided the best thing to do is text my girls then get hammered. i didnt want to see him obviously.

all in all i was plastered, danced so much my entire body is sore (like sitting down is painful, getting up is painful, steps kill), have bruises all over my body because i was so fucking sloppy, and got groped by people. i saw a load of people that ive not seen in a really long time from school. got new fb friends and slept on an itty bitty little couch well slept, ptfo whatever. i had been up for 24 hours with work.

anyway i fucking dont need to see babboon hopefully for a long time. i told him that i hated him and dont want to talk to him when i was wasted dancing on a stripper pole. ohyea thats classy me