i just never am comfortable when someone gives me a compliment or tells me that they like me. i just instantly become one of the most awkward human beings ever. unless i am a little drunk. then it depends on where the compliment is coming from. but thats not always the case. thankfully this weekend i feel like i managed to not be awkward. thank GOD bc that would just be silly and annoying amiright? hopefully it will go better than the last date. at least this time i know i can talk to him and i dont really have to go through that awkward hi i am 23, i went here, i graduated with this etc etc. i will eventually get better at that but like ive said before, i date people i know because of that. i am already comfortable with it.

In all seriousness, i am such a private person with that stuff. i’ve never been the one for PDA (i hate seeing other people make out in front of me so i wouldnt want to make someone else feel like that) i’ve really only been all PDA once and i was absolutely MORTIFIED the following day when i wasnt completely wasted. I dont like discussing who i like with people bc i’m too vulnerable feeling and even though i know i wont be, i dont want to be judged in any way.

i like small gestures.

i like private moments tucked away from others.

Last night i had a dream someone held my hand and i had butterflies.

like i am a 7 year old.

who has that kind of dream????

im just a completely bizarre 23 year old.

i’m one of those people who would have dealt fine in the world way back when it was pettycoats and umbrellas in the sun, with men trying to win my affections and holding hands was a scandalous affair. sometimes i just feel like i am part of a dying breed of female, one that doesnt sleep with people on first dates or second dates or even third dates. i am strickly monogamous and completely fine with that. i dont judge people for their own actions, just i dont like feeling that i dont belong because of it.

well it was my roommate’s bday so we had a little festival essentially. friday we had a little roof party. then sat we went into the city and had a blast meeting all these people he knows. he knows some awesome people. plus on sat i got really drunk! woo.

next topic. why the hell does drunk erin need to test people?well a specific person. i should have NEVER gotten his number. i’ll just turn creepy stalker. also when he only texts me back once or twice i get but honestly. i shouldnt even care about it. its just my need to have people talk to me. i always want to be a confidant to everyone so if you are quiet and shylike i feel the need to be like besties with them. so whatever. im just a freak whatever.

you keep talking and all i want to do is walk away.
nothing against you. but you kind of drive me crazy sometimes.

i went on a date and it was forced smiles and annoying conversation. you are just like that sometimes.

I start a new job on the 8th of June. i couldnt be more elated about it. i fucking hate working where i currently work. like my god. K is a lazy shit and pushes all her work on others, which became me since T and B werent there. fuck it whatever. next week i told brian to work 3 days and i will take 2 so i am only working thursday friday (i essentially just gave myself a 7 day weekend). Sat thru tuesday are expected to have gorgeous weather so i plan on roofing it up a few days and get a bit of sun. i dont know but i have a chair to bring upstairs now so i can be comfortable. read some books. but anyway, i am going to be working at a doctors office with 40 hours a week and insurance. IM A BIG GIRL!

In other news, i am going to start saving for a dslr. right now i am looking at the D40 and the D90. thankfully i know people with both of them so i can futz with them both. i’ll prob be leaning toward the D40 since im not really gonna be going all out with cameras. i really just love taking photographs and i hate having to deal with the auto focus on pocket cameras bc they take forever to focus on the things i want them too. anyway that is my next project. i want to learn more about photography. just a little, nothing crazy, but enough. so once i start my next job i will be putting money away for that.

another piece of random. i went to a job fair for my present work (not to recruit new hires but to spread the word that you could be a guinea pig for money). so this guy comes up to the table twice and then S gets up to walk somewhere else and he comes up again and is like i just wanted to tell you that you look good and i would like to hang sometime. i was like wait waah? so i gave him my email bc i didnt want to give my phone number, and he emailed me a few times. i kinda wanna know how old this guy is, he says he went to school already but is going back for another degree. so iiiiiiidk. i think i am gonna do lunch with him on sunday but idk where yet. i should probably look into that……. might as well get a free meal out of the deal.

again.

my cousin’s brother died. possible over dose. awesome right? yea hes kinda super fucked up. i could never really meet him bc of it. like real fucked.

Go figure that when you dont take medication for something that is prescribed to help with something you are diagnosed with, you might have an incident of the aforementioned disease. DAD. why the fuck dont you take your medications?? you are now in the hospital AGAIN. this is now the 2nd time in 2 months. sure they are for different reasons but its because you dont take your meds right. you arent forgetful, do you need one of those old people pill dispensers? i can get that for you. if it will help you, i will purchase the 3$ compartmentalized box. i really will. now you have to deal with your license being revoked for a year again, and you need stitches in your tongue, and you have 2 black eyes. mom is a wreck. i swear if he doesnt kill himself with his stubornness she will.

wow i just was struggling so hard to get through a post. i just deleted it because it had no structure and i had no idea WHERE i was going with it. I was commenting about jock jams and how itunes had just played the electric slide.

anyway lets not get tooo detailed about that because i will be forced to delete this as well.

On the positive side of things i have great news. i am going to be giving in my 2 weeks notice on the 22nd of may. i can finally tell this place to fuck off and go find someone else to use as an “escape goat” (what show was that just on…..).  why the 22nd of may you ask? well its because i will be starting another job on the 8th of June at a doctors office. It is not something i really want to be doing with the rest of my life but its basically guarenteed work for a year and insurance and slightly better pay which are all things that my job now will not be able to give me, or even try to promise me. Its kinda sad because i really wanted to give my job a solid year before leaving but i really cant wait to leave this fucking place. they drive me crazy. when i try to fix a broken system that they started, they ask me why it didnt start sooner. when i try to organize something so i can work with it better, they ask me why im not doing anything productive. When they cut my hours to  5 hour shifts two or three times a week and i say fuck you and take my full lunch still, people complain. Bitch dont even start, look at the people around you. so and so is getting a hair cut comie back, getting coffee, come back, get lunch, come back, go to the gym, come back. When people take 2 hour lunches and push all of their work on me i am bitter yes but i would not actually say anything to a superior. i would not go out of my way to make your life hell but people seem to thrive on it. thankfully i now have a goal to get to. i have a DAY to say im giving in my two weeks notice. i hope in that time theyget rid of b, not because i dont want him to get work from them (he has another job im not a terrible person), but because i want them to be totally fucked with me leaving.

OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THAT A GUY FROM HOME IN IN JAIL FOR HIS THIRD FUCKING DWI. why the FUCK do people act so moronically. fucking morons. this was not his first, not his second but his THIRD DWI. how do parernts let their children live after the first one? hes the only child.

alright need to go through this logically.

i have been at my current job for 10 months now.

• PROS: i like h.r., b.t., t.r., k.c. and thats about it. i pity some other people there but thats not really counting for much. i enjoy working in the lab with the subjects and with the blood specimens (when we actually have subjects come in). i’m comfortable in what i do and being competant in it.
• CONS: there is no possibility of me getting a f/t possition there ( i am presently per diem which is shit). there is no possibility of getting a raise (i can make this working at jcrew which have have done before). There is no possibility of me getting even 40 hours a week (i get 5 hour days, which can either come twice or 3 times a week). i absolutely hate being there with my entire soul. im no longer happy. i walk down the hall and place a happy little facade on me that is dropped the moment i pass a person in the hall and they can no longer see me. k.m. makes me physically ill when i have to deal with her.

New job: I spoke with this doctor because he actually works at my present job and needs a new person to work with him. he normally gets a student from the nearby uni but he figured since we are having problems he would offer it to someone from work.

• PROS: it seems really easy. I have to basically work a single test with patients and then the rest of the time i have to answer phones and do paperwork (its no dream job i know). i’ll get paid more (still not a great amount but something i can physically live off of). i will be getting a f/t position. i would be getting benefits like health insurance. since its a doctors office so close to not only the uni but also the hospital i might figure out an in with something i legit would want to do.
• CONS: since it is so easy i will be bored out of my mind the second i understand it all. i am working with a breathing test for which i dont care about. it is very far uptown so the commute will suck more (im gonna get up tomorrow and do the commute and see if its a deal breaker).

Now with this its is fairly obvious that i should choose the new possibility. however i am really hung up on the remote possibility of growing at job1, even though i know it wont happen at least for a few months and i have given them nearly a year to actually be worse off than i was when i first started (and now i have rent to pay). i should say fuck them and leave CL. and if i get health insurance i’ll actually be able to go to the doctor when i have shit wrong with me (like right now with my neck ear extreme pain).

just because its hilarious i’m writing this here. its not like i use names or anyone really read this who would know, BUT, T might have sucked R’s dick LOL. Thanks to scrawny griz for telling me that and making me giggle.

in other news. im terrible when it comes to attention from guys. i prefer to talk to guys and when i get that easy to talk to repor with them i love just being able to say anything with no real repercussion. For instance, with r, m, and j, i can basically say whatever i want and i know they arent gonna full out judge me or take offense from it. Now take a fake argumentative relationship like i have with RWH. It is also awesome because i’d never take anything legit from that. thats how i like to joke with everyone if i think they can take it. i dont care, fight back with it call me a whore, whatever. anyway. i recently had a similar deal with a guy i had recently met. it was awesome bc i was just being that argumentative friendly. nothing more nothing less. then he told me he liked me. gah. im not really feeling in the mood to have a guy. i dont know why because sometimes i really would love nothing more than to just snuggle in bed (now that the summer is coming however i’d prefer a blanket to not even touch me let alone a guy when im sleeping). anyway. i dont know how to address that since i always hate real legit feeling expression with people i dont really know.

bah humbug.

my birthday is coming up. i dont really know what to expect for it anymore. i have a little event on fb but its not like i think anyone is coming other than people i generally always see. nothing against them. in the slightest. but i dont wanna end up in the same places. and i would kinda like to go out to a place with music to boogie down to (omg im one of those girls sometimes?!?!). who knows whats gonna happen.

so charles’ funeral was fun and exciting for a few minor reasons. i finally got to see my cousin who ive not seen in AGES. ive also now met her fiance who is a great guy. his bday is 2 days before mine so they might come down to the city for that which would be cool. i got to meet one of my baby cousins who is like 7 months and absolutely adorable. saw one of my favorite people in my family bc hes so fucking adorable. hes 70+, about 5ft, really really pale. he had childhood schizophrenia so he cant cope on his own but my god hes adorable. he told mom that he gets upset that noone says goodbye to him so r and i went over to say hi. he was so excited and started talking about his meal that he got(which was the same thing i got) and he was really happy to tell us how much he liked the mashed potatoes and whatnot. when z first met him, J was sitting in a chair that his feet didnt reach the floor so they were just swinging haha. i love it. but they live at the end of the subway line so i am going to have to eventually visit them….. oof

now other than that the rest was kind of funeralish. stood around talking to random family/family friends. make random stupid conversation about what i am doing and pretend that im a lot happier than i actually am. see the pitiful older relative try to vie for everyones attention and get more and more like a child for everytime she is ignored. i felt terrible bc they had a priest come and talk (charles was not a religious man). i thought he was really far to preachy/theatrical with everything he was saying but its because he doesnt know the man how can you eulogize him? remind me to get close to a priest when my life starts to dwindle so my family doesnt have to go through that.