I need a new hamper. the one i have is falling apart at the seems but i cant bring myself to get a new one. (also i keep forgetting).

i am currently reading a book that i dont really care about but i have read so much i cant stop without just fucking finishing the damn thing. its not a bad book but im just kind of done with it. Its called Stealing Athena. it is a huge hard cover and reading it on a subway standing up is just tedious.  but like i said its not bad. its about a scottish woman in the 1800s going with her hubby to be the ambassador to the turks to keep neutrality for england while napoleon is hustling around trying to fuck shit up. her husband has a quest to find the great art from athens to bring back for england and she is dragged into supporting him and paying for it all. then it switches to the prostitute of the man who basically designed and backed the building of the Parthenon. i need to know how it ends now. does it somehow mesh together or is it two kind of similar stories about women supporting their men in ways that society deemed unsuitable. so now i need to finish it. its about 3/4ths through so just a little bit more. hopefully i can try to finish it by friday. i managed to read Ender’s Shadow in a week. it is a rather quick read though. plus that and Ender’s Game opens up the possibility of reading 6+ books. im only like 5 years behind all my friends from college that went off to read them haha. oh wellllll. better late than never right?

Can you blame me for not throwing out the last thing i was given? especially since i think mom threw out everything else?

soooooo

weds: 3 miles, 36 minutes

Thursday: 2 miles, 24 minutes

Saturday: 5 miles, (3 miles on elliptical, 35 minutes; 2 miles on treadmill, 30 minutes)

Total: 10 miles.

Next week’s goal is 4 days of it. monday, weds, thursday, sat. im happy about exercising right now. weird, i know!

I’m using Nike+ to keep track of things but it doesnt see the same mileage when im on the elliptical because its weird steps. so its really more so about me seeing the pace im going and whatnot.

since high school i have obviously gained weight. while i dont really care because i’m fairly happy with my life, i still feel like i should be more active. now ive joined a gym and dump 40 a month into it. its been about 3ish months so far and ive stayed the exact same weight. not that ive been super motivated. i barely go because i just dont want to get off the subway once im on my way home (its not a difficult excursion, its just i more than likely will have a seat and just dont want to move). ok so. ive decided that if i am gonna do this i might as well do it right. i got my hands on a beginner’s marathon 14 week training regiment. while i am in no way wanting to train for next year’s NYC marathon i figure if anything they are building endurance which is something ive always lacked (unless i was being physically moved by gravity). i have a shit knee from an incident on thanksgiving eve years ago. it involves my body using my left leg as a sled to slide down 13 concrete stairs into a bar basement (NO i was not drunk). i sprained my ankle (thank god for my boots) and my knee was just strained i think but it hurts if i ever run on a tredmill. therefore i will be doing this first bit on the elliptical.

anyway. i looked over the routine. its basically 4 days a week (nothing extreme) and starts off at 3 mi. now i dont think ive really ever run 3 miles ever at once. maybe once when something good was on tv at the gym which is rare. i usually get off because of boredom which means i need to make a playlist and just do the damn thing.

Figure i am doing 3 miles at around 10-12 min/mi. figure thats like 40 minutes tops. that would be like 400 ish calories 4 days a week at least. so my want to actually be healthy might actually help me feel better about everything. if i can stick to this damn thing i think i can really do well in about 3 months. so its not a goal of a race right now. its a goal of fitness. lets see how it goes.

Last year i went to the cliffs around this time. i miss being able to go here whenever i wanted. it is my heaven.

halloween. ugh. glorified and expensive. especially in the city. i want to go to the parade just once. thats all i ask for. then i never want to go to it again. A and C are coming down to visit. probably around 1. i am kind of worried whenever they come down. im always happy with simple pubs. they usually want music and dancing. while they are fun in their own ways, i dont generally want to go to them. nor do i know places that would offer that venue. whatever. im gonna make myself into a pumpkin. im taking an orange dress i dont care about and i am gonna sew black felt onto it. wear black stockings and my black chucks. maybe i will try to find orange or green shoe laces…. but i dont care that much about that.

im updating the storm. i fucking hate this phone. i have one piece of wisdom for everyone out there on the interwebs: NEVER GET THE BLACKBERRY STORM. it is just useless. it destroys phone calls. it constantly hangs up when im on a call. it is slow and cant keep up well with my typing. thankfully the last update from crackberry had greatly reduced the amount of time and battery life i wasted on pulling the battery in order for it not be frozen in think mode if i tried to open something too quickly. or turn the phone to portrait….

(some time later) storm is updated. kinda strange. whatever. we’ll see how it works.

ITS “IM A GRANDMA” SEASON. the weather is turning cold. i am wanting to create things. oh yay manic phase. i wonder how many hats i will be making… or scarves, or maybe i’ll try mittens soon.

i’m not at all tired right now. it is past my bedtime. not by much but i should be sleeping soon. didnt help that i was on the phone with C for about 45 min. we got to talking about stupid shit that has been bothering me. well its not stupid, just petty. i have to stop thinking about things that bother me. cant grow into a tall tree if you dont aim for light in the canopy (stfu im a loser i know).

god damn my room is getting messy as shit. i’ve been so lazy recently. i wont put clean clothes away so the dirty ones just pile up. thankfully the cats dont pee on my things. that would be bad.
[side note: heart just freaked out and jumped around a bit]
i keep saying that i will just clean up. i just have zero motivation. one thing i am trying to keep high on my priorities list is eating better. i am using fitday.com which is pretty good, it keeps pie charts of daily nutrition and if i were to ever change weight then it can keep track of that haha. one step at a time i guess. im really just trying to eat less carbs right now. i dont really eat huge amounts of sugary things right now but dammit all i love me some good bread. suppose to be eating like 40%carbs 40% protein and 20% fats i think….. i got that off some website. its really hard to not have it more like 50 25 25.. nope yea that is today. i kinda didnt eat as much as i should have either this evening… whatever. tomorrow is another day to aim for that dietary goal.

damn ive only gotten through monday and tuesday so far.

Its legit fall. It will be cold. i can wear layers. i can wear my fall colors and not feel over autumnal!

I am meeting a past NYC morning show host on monday. i better make sure to pretty myself up that morning instead of going in on the verge of a hang over and tired as shit even though i got sleep the night before.

Warm october nights...

Considering its october now, all i can think of is Yellowcard’s song.
Warm October nights
You came and cuddled next to me
Our noses brushed so close
I wished it was our souls
Drifting off to sleep
I could hear the little snores you made
watching eyes shut tight
Like doors to something sweeter where you rest

Tear me off a piece of blanket
keep me warm and we can make it
Here’s my heart, I’ll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can’t take it

RAWR. you know what i am sick of. i am sick of dreams and my subconsciousness ruling them. why do i have to have that subconsciousness anyway?? im happy alright subconscious? im happy and i dont need you to drag me down and out. just back the eff off and leave me be for right now. when time heals my wounds and my scars start to fade away, then you can remind me of days gone by, of times when life was carefree and sunny, when i loved being where i was just to be where i was. ONLY THEN! for now, you can just go to hell.

quick update:
i still like work relatively. like ive said before it is a small office. they seem to be excited that since i dont have plans to go away to school that i wont be leaving them next summer. but like my mother said, i didnt go to school to do menial tech and secretarial work.
i miss school to a certain extent. my dad has gone back to the community college for a medical technician degree. mom told me she wants to take online courses for a masters. i wont lie im jealous. i should start saving money so i can take an anatomy and physiology course. thing is i would need to ace it since my actual gpa in college was not so stellar. whatever. either way i miss learning things that interested me.
i have a boyfriend that i am comfortable with. he’s good to me (a little too good sometimes) and he can put up with my sarcasm and bullshit. i sometimes test the waters a bit too much. its new though.
i’m getting into a pattern. i dont mind patterns. i like simplicity to a certain extent, but i am getting a little bored. i need to meet new people or hang out with old friends that i havent seen in a while. wouldn’t it be nice? just to be able to call someone and have them be around in your life again? nothing drastic, not all the time, just enough where you can see certain people some weekends and other people another weekend, to go out with someone just to walk around with then catch dinner with someone else? that would require a bit more money than i currently have.
speaking of money. i thought i was going to budget properly this month. i was wrong. mint is telling me i basically have 20$ to my name concerning my budgets for the next week or so. that just wont do.

maybe i’ll try to get back into this…. i miss having an outlet.

ive been thinking of my paternal grandmother and grandfather. just a few memories i’d like to have somewhere

• my grandfather was a baker and made amazing cakes when i was younger. since hes diabetic now he cant make them but they were amazing.
• my grandfather would “tease me” which he really did to get a rise out of my grandmother who would just yell at him all the time for teasing me. he would just wink at me once she started yelling
• i would go over to their house (about 40 minutes away) often as a child instead of having a day care. i also got motionsickness as a child. i would have specific spots along the way that grandpa would have to stop so i could vomit.
• i was the only grandchild my grandparents actually got to spend a lot of time with of the 6 grandchildren they had.
• my grandfather would make me pancakes almost every day i stayed there.
• i would play with tea sets, pretend to be cinderella and clean, play with dolls with my grandmother.
• she is probably one of the people i miss most in the world. my grandfather is a close second and he hasnt passed away.

anyway that is sappy and i am sorry. its just been on my mind.

Never go on live journal unless i want to end up feeling like crap and crying.