And of course i cannot concentrate. I have chemistry tues, then Immunology wed, then Micro and Hematology next monday. I am not looking forward to any of them. I am also still not drinking. this will be the last week. I need to go to the gym tomorrow since i didnt today.

On a completely unrelated note. i think i might have accepted a date for a month from now…. not entire sure though.

These two are the most amazing women on tv and i want them to win all of the awards!!

This is my year people!!! all of you who say otherwise can fuck straight off.
I am going to be getting a certificate to become a medical technologist which means when i am done i can get a better job. So far i love the two rotations i have had in Bloodbank and hematology (right now). From what i can gather they like me too which means maybe, oh please, i can get a job after the program.
I am the Maid of Honor in my best friend’s wedding and i swear to god i am going to look smoking for it. I do not care what it takes but i have 8 months rn (it is in august). I have a nice, slow paced goal for working out so i think i can do this. The one good thing that i have taken away from my relationship with Dan is the ability to diet and exercise so now that i have to start impressing others again, i can do it. Thankfully i dont have his many many many MANY neurosis that fuel his fire. I just know what i want and fuck it i am doing this. I am currently in a mini detox from my precious alcohol to try to jump start the weight loss. It will end on the 23rd and i am patiently waiting (who am i kidding, WEEKS HURRY UP) for that to come. I have gone to the gym Saturday, Sunday, and today. i plan on going tomorrow too. I want to maintain 4 times a week at least right now. So goals are set, bitches.

I have this weird issue with the possibility of flirting again. I might have forgotten? It might be because i havent figured out anyone to use my *charms* on. All i know is that i do not want to cross the line of awkwardness with someone in class. I might be toeing the line but no crossing on my end. It may be awkward but a girl can dream of a guy who is working for a 6 pack and is nearly there, right? even if i am the mess that i am!!! Other than that, it is not like i DO anything social to meet other people. I go to the scholar on a weekly basis, i hang out with old coworkers on a monthly basis. I cant date in the labs i have rotations in. There are only 2 maybe cute asian guys but that has never been my flavor of choice, doesnt mean i cant look. I am ALL for sampling other cultures. I’m young.

So here is the game plan.
Try my hardest to focus on school.
Go to the gym 4 times a week to lose the weight and tone the eff up.
Not get ensnared in the tangles of a guy.
Enjoy the shit out of my dog.

Bring it 2012. That is all.

Good luck in the frozen tundra, at least i know your bed will be kept warm (at least for now). I don’t want to be bitter and angry but when i took Odin you said you would help me until i was out of school so i am sorry that i might be SUPREMELY annoyed with an email saying “By taking him you have assumed full responsibility, and although I was more than willing to help with this recent visit I will no longer be chipping in for him financially.” You are kind of a worthless lying p.o.s. and i am glad you are moving because if i have to see you in a social situation after the end of the month i will vomit.
Now to happy thoughts: I AM FUCKING FREE! while taking care of Ode completely by myself will blow and my credit cards are going to fill the fuck up, i am so happy that you are the one to leave. I hope you get something great out of the move, though. I certainly am. My plan is to stop feeling worthless, to stop getting so unbelievably angry at the mere sight of your twitter handle, to effectively control my blood pressure when someone mentions you (“Why would you want to raise your blood pressure?” “So i can lower it…”).
2012 will be a year of school work, handling my maid of honor duties, and absolutely not at all trying to find a guy. I need to figure my shit out and i dont need to be distracted, it isnt worth it, and i need to kick this program’s ass. I didnt do so hot on my midterms so i need to turn that around (No fails but still not good). So it is time to start thinking about a resolution. I think it will have something to do with trying to be the happiest person i can be with the situations i am given. Dont worry, i will refine the wording in time.

I cant help but laugh at this every single time

I hope this picture makes people as happy as it makes me

You only get on crowed buses for very special people? you wouldnt even fucking go to middletown ever. i am so god damn pissed off i wasted so much time on someone that obviously felt nothing for me, at least not like this new slut he gets to bone. i am so frustrated that he ended shit with me while lining someone else up, and gave me the bull shit excuse that its not me its him and his commitment issues and that he is just so unhappy that he needs to find himself. Yeah he needs to find his dick in a bitch named Anna, that lives a bis ride away mind you. GOD. i am not at the point where i am happy that i am out of the relationship but when i am i will be so thrilled. hopefully i can find someone that wants to spend time with me, hold my hand, actually have a conversation with me, not make me feel like shit when i want to tell him a story, not make me feel like a stone that he is out to eat with, and not some juvenile pig that has me move in, get a dog and then breaks up with me for another girl. i did get Odin out of this. otherwise the entire relationship was a waste of my time. At least when Odin’s dick fucks up, its only pee, not (hopefully) an STD.

OH YEAH and i love that his sister is already in LOVE with this girl and cant wait to fucking meet her. so much for actually liking her, huh.

This past sunday my boyfriend got into a car accident. a car accident with a fire truck on call. a firetruck in a hurry in brooklyn, probably doing at least 40-50 mph. Somehow my boyfriend was not crushed, and managed to come out relatively unscathed. Thank you Honda Civic. There were 2 fire trucks in a row and he didnt realize. the second one nailed him on the driver side, no less than a foot from the center of the door. He managed to only be severely battered and bruised, with lacerations on his right leg (down to the bone, i saw it, there was definitely a severed artery…. ew squirting blood). After spending 12 hours in the trama unit with his mother and step father, i was incredibly relieved that he was released the same day. However i have not been able to eat properly since, nor have i had a night of sleep. i eat only when my brain tells me i should, which means i am probably consuming about 2/3 of the calories i normally eat which averages way lower than normal anyway. I’ve not been able to fall asleep without trying for 3 hours and i wake up about 5 times a night. Last night i tried taking the codeine tussin that i have from when i had a really bad cough and it did absolutely nothing (the first night i slugged down half a bottle of wine for dinner). i know this is only the 3rd night but i have been having an issue with insomnia every so often. it usually doesnt last long but its enough that i notice not being able to sleep or frequently waking up for about a week or so at a time. Considering V is on vaca, and i am the only one taking care of everything in the office, it is not the best time for me to have trouble with sleeping. Of course this is D’s fault for having his stupid accident.

Its weird to get that phone call. I’ve had it from my mother for my father the 2 times he had seizures, but when it is coming from the trauma doctor at a hospital youve never been to, nor do you know where it is (thankfully AW had both a GPS and a car), it is way different. Especially when it is a message on your vmail because you didnt hear your phone ring from 10 ft away. I was terrified that they wouldnt let me in to see him because i wasnt family. the entire situation was terrifying and i even missed the 25 minutes of “excitement”: accident and retrieval from the scene. i dont know how i would feel about other people in my life. if this happened to my best friend, i would be in tears. if this happened to anyone i loved ever, i would be in tears. I held it together until after i got home. after i took a shower, after i was tucked into bed. Only then did i let myself go for a few minutes. i just hate that feeling and i felt like if i did it any earlier it would be inappropriate.

Please be safe out there. Even if i trust you as a driver, it is everyone else i worry about. Always wear a seatbelt, you never know if there is a second tank, lined up right behind the first, to take you out.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. I am happy whenever i am with him (usually if hes not being a jerk i guess).  The end of my lease is coming up soon (december 1st is when we moved in 2 years ago). We have been talking about moving in together. While we have been talking about moving into a 4 br, with MS and JC in one room, MG and AW in the other 2 rooms (separate, we arent in dorms anymore!), i am still slightly petrified of the entire situation.

It will be our space. Our room. Our closet. Our bed. singular.

That is scary. Its not like i havent shared bed’s before. In college i spent every night in either my bed or my then boyfriend’s bed, and 9 times out of 10 he was there with me. That was a twin XL. It will be a bed that you can roll and not worry (too much) about elbowing your partner in the eye or kneeing them in the privates. This is much more grown up. Isn’t it funny how i know that i am a serial monogamist, yet still fear the concept of moving in with someone? I know that these arent games anymore. You dont have to meet each other after 4-5 hours at the train station for a few days together, then, once those precious few days drain away, watch them walk to a train that will swallow them up until the next time they visit. You dont have to spend summers away from eachother. Now i will be *living* with this S.O.

Other than spending money on college, i have not invested so much in my future. Unless we do something to stop it, moving in with this man will set things in motion, a Rube Goldberg machine to think of it in a much more dramatic fashion. To everyone else, the process could be completed in 100 fewer steps: Move in, get engaged, marry, buy a house, have kids, grow old (the “american dream” right?).  But in my head the pendulums are poised to swing, balls hovering over ramps leading to a string waiting to be clipped.  This can only run successfully through the end or one piece will be a millimeter off and i will have to start all over again. Its the starting over that scares me the most. Any hiccup in this grandiose machine and it could fall to pieces.

It’s the pondering that makes me lose all my confidence. I really do love him.

today is basically the one year with my new boyfriend.

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happy

Whenever i get sick, i get sick for way longer than anyone should be sick. The last time i was sick it lasted nearly a month. I am currently sick (going on 9 days now). It started with a cough, now my sinuses are going crazy. wtf. Last week i couldnt go to the gym. After about 9 days of not going to the gym, i decided that today was the day. It was pitiful but it was something. Its not like i gained weight (i actually lost like 5 lbs at first because of my water diet, safe i know!). i am currently about a lbs or 2 less and im back to eating and whatever. anyway. i have to start going again, really push myself. This summer i have to buck up and purchase a bathing suit which i havent done in about 5 years. I hate the summer but its only worse when i have to deal with people pressuring me into a bathing suit. C’s mother got a hot tub so theres that annnnnd the fact that i am going to Cape May now with family. Either way i have to just bite the bullet and do it. so that is one reason to go back to the gym after my mini hiatus.

and JUST as a side note: GLEE FINALE IS ON TONIGHT!!!!! i am so excited because i am a giant goober for musical numbers. GO GLEE!!! (i love the safety dance song so this is awesome to me)

Just recently i have been talking to my boyfriend about the possibility of moving in together when our leases are up this coming winter. This is kind of far away yes. this is true. But i am suddenly terrified after about a month about joking around about it. Not that this is a possible outcome right now but what if we are to break up? what if i figure out that it isnt what i want right now? what if i screw it up? what if i want something different? I really do love him and enjoy having him around as much as possible. i miss him when he goes away. I love it when he comes back. He is so good to me and willing to work with all my quirks, insecurities, and general insanity. He has them too and i have no problem sharing them with him. But this whole concept scares the crap out of me. I was so ready to move out. I cannot support myself. I should not go into something just because of cash, which i will not do. I’m just so scared that if this happens there is no turning back. there is no chance to go back and be who i was.  Moving in leads to more. and if it doesnt it just seems like it would be painful to deal with.   This is how i work. I find someone who is amazing then slowly poison my own mind. i lull myself into a false sense of security. i allow myself to dream of the alternate endings. Wouldnt it be nice if everything just worked out how i always imagined it?

i do not want to blame this on anything in particular (maybe lady times) but i have been in such a terrible mood these past 2 evenings. Yesterday i just wanted to get my laundry done and come home and relax. i didnt go to the gym (even though i should, but more on that later). It turned into well lean pockets and yogurt i guess, for dinner. Tonight i called mom. she said she wants to come down this weekend since its her birthday on tuesday. Sunday is out because it’s dan’s bday and we are spending it out on the roof. Saturday was suppose to be pretty laid back in the morning, staying at dan’s friday to wake up go to prospect, maybe the botanical gardens, enjoy outside a bit then help matt get grain for his tripel he is gonna brew. now idk whats going on so much. Its going to be in the afternoon since she has a conference or some such in the morning. exciting i know! but that put me in a sour mood because of various reasons that dont even make sense because i am being a self absorbed bitch.

SPEAKING of self-absorbence! So i was at the gym on Tuesday. It was my hour running day like i try to do three times a week. the 2 girls around me were also going for a while but they had their time covered. i didnt because im an idiot and watch as time and miles slowly wind down. So this guy taps me on the shoulder at 56:30 or so, tells me that i should get off because i should only be on there for a half hour. i told him no that he can wait the last 4 minutes. then he tries to tell me that i have already been on there 27 minutes longer than i should. i repeated that no he can wait the last 4 minutes. i was PISSED. people at the gym kill me sometimes. dont come monday and tuesday and be pissed that its busy and then like everyone else stop coming the rest of the week (it gets MUCH less crowded).

Now to talk about the gym, minus douches. I am trying to run. so far im not very good at it. at all. But recently ive had 2 good ones. The first was running 3.5 miles in one go then another mile after a minute walking. today i said i would run only 30 minutes but the entire time and i did! i ran 2.6ish miles. it was AWESOME. im really proud of me sometimes.